I'm back from the company party. I just wanted to write this all out because I am so emotional right now that there is a good chance everything will be more scrambled in my brain than it already is right now.
The party itself was great. I had a great time with all my co-workers. There was no drama at the party. IslandGrl did go to the party. She didn't speak to me when she saw me but I was actually ok with that. The only time she said anything to me was when I was on the dance floor with a bunch of my co-workers. She sounded really pissed off and told me that I better take it easy on the dance floor. I wasn't even dancing with a girl so I don't know what she was pissed about. I didn't see her after that anywhere. Then another one of my co-workers came up to me to tell me that IslandGrl came up to her and told her that she had just met a guy the day before and had to leave early because she had a movie date with him tonight.
Hearing that made me numb. Just last Tuesday I poured my heart out to her and pleaded with her to be honest with me about everything. I told her to tell me whatever she had to say and not hold anything back just because she thought it would hurt me. I told her that it was the only way that our friendship would survive what we were going through. Now after telling me that she was not at the point in her life where she could date anyone and after assuring me that she wasn't seeing anyone and would not be seeing anyone I had to hear this.
I didn't do anything right away. I actually just enjoyed the rest of the party. On the walk to BART I decided to text message her though. I didn't want to call her because I was walking with a bunch of my co-workers but I had to get her a message because if I waited until I got to Fremont she wouldn't answer the phone because she would be in the middle of her date. I couldn't write anything long and drawn out because it was just a text message by phone. I sent her: Hope you enjoy the movie date with the guy you just met. Then I sent her: Thanks for not blowing smoke up my ass just last Tuesday.
She replied by text: Whatever, think what you want I was honest with you the last we talked.
She tried to call me twice but I was still with my co-workers so I just refused the call. She left me a voicemail telling me that she was too much of a woman to do this over text and I should have the balls to talk to her. As I was listening to the voicemail she tried calling me again so I answered. She asked me what I was talking about and I asked her if she was or wasn't going on a date with some guy. She didn't answer and just asked what my problem was. I told her my problem was that apparently she wasn't able to be honest with me. She asked me when she wasn't honest with me. I told her that apparently she wasn't honest with me back when she said that we had to stop seeing each other because of hula competition, she wasn't honest with me all the times we talked, and she wasn't honest with me just last Tuesday when she said that she wasn't going to be dating anyone for a long long time and it wasn't about not wanting to be with me.
She told me to go ahead and think whatever I wanted but that she didn't bullshit me at all. So I asked her again if she was going on a date. She didn't say yes or no but she asked me how it would mean that she bullshitted me if she was going on a date with someone. I told her that if you tell someone that you aren't ready to go out with anyone and then a few days later you go out with someone then you were obviously lying through your ass. She asked me if I specifically told her that she wasn't seeing anyone and that she wouldn't see anyone. I told her that yes she did specifically say that. She said that she didn't remember what she said but that what she meant to say was that she didn't want to be in a serious relationship with anyone but that she wasn't against just dating people. I asked if she did not say to me back in the summer that "dating wasn't going to be a part of her life while she competed in hula" and asked her if she would like me to forward her email that was still sitting in my inbox. She said that she was too busy to see me much and she knew that it would have bothered me so she felt it was best to just stop talking to me. I asked her when I ever asked her to be in a serious relationship with me. When I ever said that she had to be exclusive with me. I told her that I enjoyed what we had which was just hanging out every once in a while, showing each other some affection, and most of all not having any pressure to jump into anything serious. I told her that I did develop feelings for her but they were kept in check because the time we spent together was enough to keep me satisfied. I didn't have any sense of urgency to make her commit to me in any way and I didn't even consider us boyfriend/girlfriend at the time. So then she said that if she would have heard that back in the summer things wouldn't have changed between us. I told her that all she would have had to do was tell me that she was concerned about us falling into a serious relationship and I would have told her that at the time. I also would have been able to protect myself and keep my feelings in check but she just decided to pull everything out from under me and just leave me hanging with my feelings for her and no way to satisfy them. She said she was sorry and it was a big mistake not to tell me what her concerns were at the time.
Then she said that I wasn't going to believe anything she told me from now on and I told her that she only had herself to blame for that. She asked me if there was anything she could say to make me believe what she wanted to tell me and I told her that at this point I would be stupid to believe her. She went ahead and told me that she was attracted to me, she wanted to be with me, she still had strong feelings for me but she just didn't want us to get into a serious relationship and if I could just assure her that I wouldn't pressure her for that she would be able to see me again. I just told her that at this point her words were cheap and it was pretty low of her to use our friendship to make me believe what were obviously lies all along.
Honestly, if she tried to see me again I don't think i could do it. I have a feeling she is going to come at me with an offer to go on a date but say that I have to understand that she will be dating other people. I know I would not have a problem with her seeing other people if we are just dating but at this point she has caused me so much pain that I don't know if I could enjoy any time we spent together. I am hurt that apparently our friendship didn't mean enough to her to be honest with me. She couldn't even tell me that she was in fact going on a date with someone tonight after being caught in her lies. I'm losing a friend tonight and it hurts more than anything else that could have happened. I am glad that I went to the party though and found out the truth. I wouldn't want to have someone in my life pretending to be a friend when they really aren't.
5:52 a.m. - 2004-12-14
Recent entries:
Oklahoma - 2005-11-07
Obey! - 2005-11-03
Back From Boston - 2005-10-27
Lots of Updates - 2005-10-24
Back to Work - 2005-10-10
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