Boy did IslandGrl and I talk a lot last night. I don't think I'll be able to remember all of the details of what was said. I wasn't sure if it was actually going to happen because things kept changing at the last minute. First she called me to tell me that her roommate needed a ride home from work so we would have to meet a little later than planned. Then she sent me a text message asking me if it was ok to change the time again. Finally she called me and said that her parents had made a surprise visit from Hawaii and she needed to spend some time with them to get them settled but she still wanted to meet with me at 8:30. I told her that if she really still wanted to meet me than that would be fine with me.
I went down to Milpitas at 8:30 to meet her in the parking lot by Ranch 99. We gave each other kind of a half hearted hug and kiss on the cheek and started walking to the place she wanted to get a pearl drink from. Then she changed her mind about the place and wanted to try another pearl drink place just a few spaces down because she had never tried them before.
We sat down and I asked her about her family's trip. She said that it was fine and she was still in shock. Then we got down to the nitty gritty. It was really hard for her to spit out what she wanted to say at first. She just kept saying that this was hard and she didn't know. Then she said that this was all just so awkward and I agreed. It was awkward sitting there with someone that you have feelings for when things have been slowly falling apart. I told her to relax and just say what was on her mind.
She started off trying to be a hardass, saying things like "I don't really care what you think of me right now," and "I'm not trying to please you." Basically she was trying to let me know that her concern wasn't how I was feeling it was about making herself comfortable. She said she was sorry that she couldn't be what I wanted her to be. She finally got around to what happened on that night when she went on her date, saying that what I told her that night really hurt her. She didn't appreciate me telling her that her words were cheap and that she would have to prove to me with her actions how she really felt about me.
I let her say everything she wanted to say before I said anything. I didn't want her to complain that I kept her from saying anything. Then I just told her that I was through. The unnecessary drama and all the bickering was just getting to be too much and it was going to end one way or another. She wanted to know what I meant by "through". So I explained to her again that I wasn't going to be arguing about anything anymore and it was going to stop. I told her that it was sad that things had come to this between us, that we not only ended a relationship but damaged a friendship unnecessarily. I told her how disappointed I was that things couldn't have been handled in a way that was more mature.
She agreed with most of what I had to say and said that she was through with the drama also. She said that the arguing made her feel like we were in a serious relationship when we weren't and that made her not want to spend time with me. I had to remind her that she started avoiding me long before the arguing started and it was the way that she avoided me while claiming that things were ok that caused things to escalate to the point in which they were. She agreed to that and said she should have never tried to just ignore things hoping they would go away but that I shouldn't have made her feel like I was coming down on her. She said that it made her feel like she was back with her ex-boyfriend. I asked her why she had to lay his BS on my shoulders. She said she knew it was wrong but that is just how she felt.
We talked a whole lot more about us. We talked about the good times we had and how we never fought once the whole time we were seeing each other. She again said that she just didn't want any kind of relationship right now and that dating was out of the question. I kind of stopped her there and told her that she shouldn't paint herself into a corner like that. I told her she said that before and then just a few days later she was going out on a date with someone. She kind of paused and then said that she wanted to tell me something about that date but it would probably make her come off as more of a liar than I already thought of her to be. I didn't push her for any explanation because she was right for the most part and because it really didn't matter. I told her that if she thought that I was upset simply because she went out on a date then she missed the point of our conversation. I was upset that once again I was misled. I explained to her that she just started to come off as not only wanting to end our relationship but also not caring about our friendship.
She brought up what I said about her words being cheap a whole bunch of times. I got the feeling that she wanted me to take it back. She said things like "The one thing I can't get over is what you said about my words being cheap" and "If you are going to think of me as a liar then I don't know if I should bother" and "If you didn't think of me the way you do now then things would be ok." I'll be honest and say that I really was tempted to just tell her that I take it back but I know that would have been the wrong thing to do. It would have put us back to square one. She needs to understand that things are different now, and not for the better.
We didn't talk much about what was going to happen now. I told her that I didn't expect anything from her anymore, no phone calls, no hanging out. She said she could understand how I felt that way since I viewed her as someone who is less than honest. I told her that it had nothing to do with it. I just wasn't going to set myself up for a fall by having any expectations. I wasn't going to be thinking about why I don't hear from her for a month or see her at all anymore. It seemed to rub her the wrong way and she wanted to say something but she stopped herself. I told her "look, I don't expect you to be calling me two weeks from now asking me to go out with you and your friends just to hang out or anything." She still seemed kind of put off by that but she didn't speak up and say what her issue was.
We spent the rest of the night just busting each other up and being smart asses. We talked about our gay co-workers. She is soooo naive when it comes to so many things. She just doesn't have much real life experience. She wasted so much of her life on someone who kept her from growing as a person.
She put her hand out a few times during the night and I really wanted to reach out and take it in my hands but I just couldn't. I kind of regret it and I'm sure she took that as some kind of message. I don't know if I was sending one intentionally or not.
At the very end we got serious again. She told me that our friendship did mean a lot to her and she wanted to say so much more about her feelings but she would rather hold them in. I told her that my bottom line was that I loved her as a person and regardless of what happens between us from here on out I would always love her. I let her know that my friendship was always there for her if she truly wanted it. She told me that she wasn't always going to feel like she couldn't be in a relationship but she didn't want to say anything more than that. When we left we had an awkward kiss. I think she was trying to kiss me on the mouth and I went for the cheek and it just didn't connect right. If I had it to do over again I would have slipped her the tongue! HAHA. We just held each other for a while and then said goodbye.
I don't know what is going to happen now. I don't know if she is going to keep calling or if I'm never going to hear from her again. Like I told her, I'm not going to worry about it and I'm definitely not going to argue about it. I think it's pretty clear that we aren't going to be going back to the kind of closeness that we had earlier this year. It's a real shame that two people who have the kind of feelings for each other that we do can't keep BS from tearing things apart. I'm guessing that we aren't going to have much of any contact with each other for a while. Maybe sometime next year one of us will pick up the phone just to see how the other is doing and we can start slowly repairing our friendship. I dunno, I've though that her and I have reached out "end" several times in the past and have been wrong.
There is a whole lot that I left out but it's hard to condense a 3 hour long conversation. Yeah, we were there until after 11:30. The damn loud smoothie machines kept interrupting up too.
10:47 a.m. - 2004-12-23
Recent entries:
Oklahoma - 2005-11-07
Obey! - 2005-11-03
Back From Boston - 2005-10-27
Lots of Updates - 2005-10-24
Back to Work - 2005-10-10
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