El Monkey of the Week!!!
8:32 a.m. - 2002-08-30
Have you ever been at work and it's like half an hour before you have to go home and you feel this gas bubble inside you that seems to be growing and moving from one place to another inside your body like from your tummy to your toes to your butt and you say to yourself that you must release this fart bubble before you leave work because you don't want to be stuck on BART for an hour with a fart bubble inside you screaming to get out but you can't release it because it would cause malarchy on the train so you go to the restroom at work and you try to release the fart bubble but no matter how hard you push and squeeze and poke at your belly it just doesn't want to come out so you just sit there on the pot thinking that it will slip out on it's own if you just sit there long enough but you've been sitting there for like 20 minutes and it still hasn't come out and you would like to go home so you start to think that maybe you don't really have a fart bubble inside you and you can go home and everything will be OK because there is no fart bubble it's all just in your head so you pull your pants up and leave the restroom and get on BART and within five minutes of sitting down the fart bubble comes back to life and starts moving around again but now it's also making noises and you are sure that everyone on BART can hear the noises so you start shifting in your seat and sweating really bad and you think everyone is looking at you praying that you don't unleash the fart bubble on them and you still have another 45 minutes before you reach your stop and you don't know if you can actually hold it that long because the fart bubble seems to be a growing entity with it's own desires and it is desiring to get out of your butt but you can't let it out because then you become one of the freaks that you always see on BART that has slobber coming our of his mouth or boogers hanging out of his nose and you don't want people to look at you that way so you start to really squeeze your butt cheeks together really tight and the fart bubble starts pushing harder and harder on your butt which makes you sweat more and more and you try to play it off by putting your headphones on and listening to music but now the noises from the fart bubble are ten times worse so you pick up a newspaper and open it up really wide and hold it up really high so that no one can see you kinda like the forts you used to build in your living room as a kid to hide from your dad but just like you weren't fooling him you're not fooling the BART people because they know your there and they know you have a fart bubble inside you because they can hear it traveling throughout your body and just as you think you're reaching the breaking point you pull up to your stop and you get out and now you are trying to walk out to the parking lot as fast as you can while squeezing your butt cheeks together so the fart bubble doesn't get out right there in the crowd of BART people and cause everyone to stampede down the escalator to get away from the toxic gas cloud so you start to squeeze so tight that it makes you walk funny and everyone is looking at you and thinking why is this retard walking like a retard but at this point you don't car because all you want to do is reach the safety of your car where you can set the fart bubble free and now you can see your car and you get happy because that special moment is near so you carefully navigate the maze of cars in the parking lot to reach your car and you quickly open the door and get in and when you are sure that no one is close enough to hear the roar that is about to come out of your butt you let it loose and a great sense of relief comes over you but then you realize that you are trapped in your car with the stinky fart cloud and you don't know what to do because it would make no sense to just get out of the car and stand around looking like a dork trying to fan the fart smell out of your car so you start to think really fast for some excuse to get out of your car but your not a smoker so you can't get out and have a smoke but then a thought pops into your head so you get out and walk to the back of your car and open up the hatch and pretend that you are looking for something in the trunk which is really good because it helps air out your car and you are so happy with yourself because you were able to fight off the fart bubble on BART and no one else had to hear your fart or smell your fart?
7:54 a.m. - 2002-08-30
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