Two bananas for breakfast today. They were so tastey. I hope they can hold me over until lunch today. I'm having lunch with lil missy. She got a job here in the city. It's the perfect job because it's temporary work. She is due in November and the job is only until mid-October.
I had one more conversation with IslandGrl yesterday. She called while I was still on BART going home. I was one stop away from the station where I park my car. We basically chit chatted at first. The converastion was just about hula practice and other random things. She had a test at hula practice last night and one of the district managers had called her and told her she needed to return to the branch to open the doors for some of our IS people who needed to do some after hours work. She was pissed because she was in the middle of studying for her hula exam. We also talked about her trip back home to Hawaii in a couple of weeks.
Later while I was in my car driving home from the BART station the conversation got serious. She asked me questions about the email that I sent her that resulted in us not seeing each other anymore. She wanted to know what I meant by saying that I wanted to be there for her to help her move on with her life. She wanted to know if I thought she hadn't moved on with her life since breaking up with her boyfriend. I think she also got the feeling that I was saying that she couldn't move on with her life without me.
I explained to her that she has moved on in ways. She is doing things that she wasn't allowed to do when she was with her ex. Things like participating in hula, going out with her girlfriends and getting drunk, spending lots of time with her friends, those are all things she didn't do before. I also told her that she obviously had a ways to go though. Just the fact that she would do a complete 180 degree turn with me shows that she still has a ways to go. If there wasn't something holding her back why would she go from calling me every day and wanting to spend so much time with me to completely cutting me off? Hula really wasn't a very good excuse. She was involved in hula the whole time we were seeing each other and it wasn't a problem.
I don't think that she needs me to move on though. I told her that I didn't expect any kind of exclusivity from her any time soon. I understood and expected her to go out and enjoy being single for as long as she liked. I didn't see why I needed to be cut off just so she could do that.
She went on about how great a guy I was and how she didn't want to ruin any friendship we could have by taking a chance on a relationship. So I explained how I had those same feelings in the past. I would always tell myself that I cared too much about someone to be in a relationship with them. While I still have a few great friends from doing this the vast majority are no longer in my life. They would eventually find someone who was willing to take a chance on a relationshihp with them and slowly they would drift away. I now have the realization that if I like someone I have no choice but to take a chance otherwise I'll spend the rest of my life alone while I watch everyone else develop full happy lives all around me.
She also asked me why I had feelings for her. She asked me that a lot while we were together. It was like it was her "tell me what you're thinking?" When she asks this I get the feeling like she feels she doesn't deserve to be cared for. I was a little more stern in my tone when answering it this time. I went over all of the qualities that she possessed that any sane man would find attractive in a girl. I explained to her that I've been with women in much more of a physically intimate way and none of them made me feel the way she did.
I didn't really get much of a response from her so then I just said: "TITS AND ASS OK! I'm all about the tits and ass!" That at least got her laughing.
From there the conversation became light again. Just more chit chat. She practiced her song that she had to memorize for the hula exam later in the evening. It sounded beautiful. She had said earlier that I could come to her performance in November if she made the cut to be on stage. I gave her some shit about going to Hawaii while I got to stay home for my vacation and just said that Hawaii was no big deal. Of course it isn't to her because she was born and raised there. It's home to her and nothing more. We had a few more laughs and then I wished her luck on the hula exam and let her go.
It was a very satisfying conversation and I wished we would have had it before it got the point where she just out of the blue decided to not see me anymore.
8:28 a.m. - 2004-09-01
Recent entries:
Oklahoma - 2005-11-07
Obey! - 2005-11-03
Back From Boston - 2005-10-27
Lots of Updates - 2005-10-24
Back to Work - 2005-10-10
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